Dodgeball Hero...

An email written January 22nd, to the "destroyers" dodgeball team:

My fellow Destroyers,

First of all, I want to tell everyone how proud I am of them. All of us know the feeling of having seemingly insurmountable challenges in their lives- where it seems as though the odds stacked against them are miles high. Last night, we were up against a bigger team, with larger players (MUCH larger in some cases). When our opponents were all lined up against the far wall, they took on the appearance of a living, bearded landmass. At first, we were scared, and rightfully so. But then we won a game, and another. After domination in the first 20 minutes we all started to come to the realization that we are, evidently, pretty damn good dodgeballers. As one, we began to see that surgical precision, and athleticism can overcome sheer bodymass, and that infinite quantities of facial hair are no match for unity, and the lust for triumph.

Goliath was on his heels.

In the second half, unfortunately, we began to lose our cool, and our resolve. We got tired, took our eye off the prize, and ultimately gave the series away. It was controversial, hard fought battle, and I can’t say that I feel like the better team took home the “w”, but at least we went home with our dignity. Sure, they may have played dirty, but we hung in there, and the unshakable thought that I carry with me now is this: there is no number of Goliaths can overcome a single David. (unless Goliath cheats occasionally, after getting down 5-2)

We’re all “Davids” in our own way, and we proved that last night.

We have a bye next week, but in the meantime, here two things I know for sure. Take these thoughts to heart.

#1. Dodgeball is definitely a strategy sport.

In order to form an effective strategy, we must know what weapons we possess. Some are better throwers, some are better dodgers, and some are better catchers. Everyone that I saw had great plays in each of those areas last night, so I feel like we have a very well rounded team. However, I urge you to think about the area in which you feel most confident, and apply that to your own strategy. For example, I know that I am not a cannon like, say, Ben or Jonas, and I can probably improve my game most by focusing more on catching and agility rather than trying to dramatically increase my throwing speed. Think about what will best suit you. Here are my humble observations:

To the ladies:
All of you are agile. All of you are athletic. I doubt if there are better female dodgeballers out there. I know you all shocked the opposing team out there last night. Each of you maintained a great balance between offensive and defensive activity. The way that I see you being absolutely lethal is in the catching area. The hard truth of the matter is that you’re all little things, and it’s a bit tougher for you to rocket off 40 mile per hour cannon balls without putting 250 pounds of stank behind your throws. (like some of our opponents could) So, if you’re all as adept at catching as soccer goalies, we’re unstoppable. The best part is that none of you have far to go. Just some familiarity with taking shots, and knowing which ones to go for, and which ones to let go.

To the men:
Jonas and Ben, you are howitzers. You’re also damn good at catching. Keep up the good work. Adam, You’re like freaking Neo from the matrix (partially because of your ability to miraculously dodge, and partially because you were a savior a couple times). Brooks, as long as you think there may be even a remote threat to your teeth, they couldn’t hit you with a fully automatic shotgun. Chase that feeling...

I think all of us could benefit by practicing throwing low, hard, and in pairs or triplets. We could also benefit by being thrown at, in a controlled environment.

To all:
We will be benefited by the creation of a “playbook.” Not really a book, but just a few general plays that we can use to surgically pick off members of the opposite team. Things like looking at one person, and throwing at another or having two to three people throw at the strongest player on the opposing team, simultaneously, at different areas of the body (much like the “crane kick” from Karate Kid, this technique is impossible to defend).

#2. Practice will definitely improve our game

I’ve already purchased a couple dodgeballs, and I plan on throwing and catching them a lot in the next 13 days. I would encourage anyone who would like to participate to join me. The more time we spend handling the ball, the more comfortable we will be with it. Our catching will improve, our accuracy will improve, and we’ll be less scared of being hit.


In conclusion, we now know what we’ve gotten ourselves into, I say we aim for nothing less than total domination. The only thing standing between us and the halls of local amateur dodgeball legend are our own choices.

Let us choose wisely.

~Derek